Go Green!

Monday-Tuesday

2-3 March 2009

I’m on call. I don’t know why but suddenly I felt compelled to urge people to save the environment. When I went home recently my mom eagerly insists on watching a telly program…something about apocalypse. And guess what, one of the reason for the doomsday from scientific point of view is mother nature is very sick and dying (aside from bioterrorism and others). While having late nite supper (clear, sweet and sour soup – ala, tom yam la :D), I saw many straws lying around on the pantry’s table and how many plastic bags used to wrap this small amount of soup…it made me think twice of having take-away again…

Here are things that I managed to think while savouring the soup; things that are very easy to do yet it requires high determination, discipline and consistency that often render the doer’s motivation and spirit…

1. When buying drinks in a bottle or a can, do not take a straw to go with it
2. For ladies, try to have your stuff (whatever that is) in your bag alone – no need extra PLASTIC bags
3. If you are having take away, give special instruction as to group all food that are similar together (i.e. all soups in one bag only)
4. (this is especially to Malaysians) If you tapau/take away food in polysterine container, please refuse plastic bags
5. Bring your own water bottle to work. It saves money (from buying mineral/treated water) and it reduces the trash
6. If possible, not to have take away at all *grins*
7. Sharing is caring. Share your food rather than having them separately and not finishing it
8. Save and conserve water. Use your tap sparingly. Try to apply alcohol rub liberally whenever possible (ATTN: health care workers). God knows how desperate Aussies are currently with their water and weather crisis…(I was one of them, and I KNOW how hard and difficult it was to live with strict water restriction)
9. For Malaysians, use aircond at home at night. Lately it always rain (in KL anyway). No need aircond anymore
10. In office setting, recycle your papers. Reuse the mistakenly printed material or whatever for scrap paper – scrap paper is very important: it can be made into small note book, bookmark, page divider, signboard, kinda post it note, as a tissue paper (to clean the whiteboard, to alas your pots or something similar)…oh gosh, many more! Just be creative and use the scrap! (instead of crumpling the paper and practice your shoots)

I guess there are many more ways to conserve the environment and be green. But its almost 0100H and I want to sleep while I can before anything happened (and I need to wake up again at 0200 for a VE…sheehhh)

PLEASE BE KIND TO MOTHER NATURE BUT KINDER TO YOURSELF…if you’re not going to save yourself, who is going to help you?

euRo

The secret life of us…

The truth is, I am such a loser.

Many may have realized this earlier that myself, I don’t pretend that it didn’t occur to me too all this while but as a classic loser, I am also an ignorant slump.

There, I have said it.

Last 2 nights I went to a “night market” close to my hospital with a girlfriend. I was glad to be there, soaking up different air (from the ward of course) and multiple aromatic fragrance of different foods, yum!. While busy trying to decide what to buy and what to eat, I saw this boy, standing with a container in his hands, looking miserable and severely embarrassed. Looking closer, apparently he’s from an institution of some kind of orphanage and his purpose there is to collect donations from public. He’s not that very young (of which I’m glad because I have no reserve towards anyone manipulating the public by using kids to attract sympathies) , tall and about junior year of high school kid, wearing baju melayu with dark pants and typical kopiah. I suspect he’s suspicious of us, circulating around close perimeter around him. I have longed to do my bit to society (last left when I was working in aussie earlier this year) but at the same time, I am quite shy (yes, don’t laugh…people who doesn’t know me will never know about this) hence the power of having another person with you who’s willing to help you comes in…

I felt slightly lighter afterwards.

And today I felt sick again. Just because I saw another person, who’s doing such a great job of looking after mentally challenged children, looking miserable trying to get the public attention to spare some change for these children. And I am one of the public, who are so ignorant, didn’t even bother to stop by and lend a hand or should I say, few loose ringgits to help him just because I feel embarrassed to do it in public. Very stupid I should say!*sobbing*

The truth is, I wish I could be a better person than the current me. I never think my current situation help me to be a better person at all. I know, I’m supposedly “helping” people out of their illness by treating and caring for them. Unfortunately people nowadays are so demanding, they even forget to say thanks (even though they don’t necessarily mean it). Therefore often I feel lost and numb in my work, no satisfaction achieved despite patients getting better and healthier. All this time, I wear a mask to work. Surprise? You shouldn’t be. I always have a mask for different occasion. Some people might say I looked intimidating and not friendly while others may challenge that statement. Some patients love me to bits and refuse to leave the ward but many are just to scared to open up their mouth afraid they might get a scorn look and worse a scolding. My sister even did not believe some of my stories of my patients and they said I’m playing a role of someone else when I was with a patient…”Along, awak cakap macam tu dengan patient awak???…berlakon betul…”

*Big sigh*

My dream is helping others achieve what they dream. And not any dream too. Just a simple dream of being able to be accepted by the rest of the world, by having a healthy body to go with a sharp mind and last but not least, to be able to help themselves to function in this ironically dysfunction world. My worst enemy is people who’s able to devote time to all these and yet, they themselves are happy in their own life. I will be green with envy, so envious it makes me cry as I can’t do as they did.

Ah…if only…

euRo

Series of unfortunate events

Talking about how unfortunate people can be!

Since starting surgical posting, I thought I have been quite lucky, lucky in a few sense:

1- automatically I got holidays for Eid (not oncallon public holidays = holiday for me)

2 - placed in a team where everybody is just sooooo nice - Dr N, A, F, K…and even Prof J and Mr S. The loveliest of people!

3 - reduced work load and responsibilities (in certain aspects only)

4 - able to enjoy more life outside HUKM (i.e. almost weekly home visit, escapades to various places and hanging out with friends OUTSIDE HUKM)

However, for whatever reason, I also seemed to be running into a series of unfortunate events…:( Like my dear A said, “tu la, kau tak bayar zakat kat aku ni…”First:

1 - I was oncalled during vascular (Mr A M I) back to back oncall. Damn, I can’t escape early on weekends (during tagging week)

2 - I was demotivated because I was soooo sad that my dearest brother went abroad to further his studies…for some reason, I was the only person (in the family) that cried during his sent off…and like hell I cried! I was soooo embarrassed the following day I cant open my eyes and I bumped into A when he was going to medical dept…*blush*(now you know why…)

3 - I started my oncall on 3rd Eid…1st time driving all the way from Seremban to Bentong and Bentong to HUKM - in heavy, heavy, super heavy duty rain

4 - Causing trouble during my 2nd oncall - I have to write a “show cause” letter to the head of department for accusation of neglect and misconduct - maybe even causing a man’s life ( I havent seen the person around anymore uhuhu…)

5 - While last sunday I was having a very good oncall; last thursday was far from tolerable…well, maybe I’m exaggerating (as MY call is not bad at all- infact, its the best if I mind my own stuff) but the other side (surgical male) was a mess! I feel so sorry for the MO on call (not really the reg cause there’re 2 regs but only one MO for both sides, taking referrals after referrals)…Poor Dr K, I doubt if he managed to have a 10 min nap at all! Physically and mentally abused, he’s all flustered and red eyes when he turn up during our (Prof J’s team) PM round

6 - also, now I don’t have my macbook anymore :(( and it was STOLEN from my room - its not neglect, but some stupid people just open up my door and left it open for other people to go in!!! *furious* Padan muka, aku buat report polis dah

7 - Not many oncall = no money. A lot of misfortunes = losses of money = no money. Basically, my bank is drying up - like the stock market :((…I was about to buy other things (like buying a camera as I never had a digital camera)

8 - And now my mobile is playing up…and its frustrating!!! I know I’m due to change my mobile (these gadgets knew when I need to upgrade them…usually every 2 years….manja betul!)

But like TM said, life is full with all this trials but as bad as I made them sounds, I am grateful for certain things in my life…perhaps they are little and always seemed insignificant and a lot of people take it for granted, but I realised, without them, there’s no ME…

So…thank you …

1 - for giving me a second chance everyday, to let me live, learn and live

2 - for installing and augmenting my faith, hoping insyaAllah to make me a better humble person

3 - for letting me having a lot of things and luxuries that a lot more cannot possibly have - be it material/physical or emotional-wise

4 - for instilling a happiness (even if its small) deep in my heart so that I can still bravely face the world and put up the glossy side of “me”

Alhamdulillah…

Rahimi Abd Razak

Jazakallah…syukran

Once upon a time…(created 9/9/08)

Deep in my heart, I would like to be an author. I realised I love stories; regardless of it being true stories or sci fi fiction. I love adventure; things that I do not get so often in my mundane life. Therefore there’s a tendency of me being a little dramatic at times and if I can’t, I’ll imagine about it and wishing it to be true so hard, it makes my head spin.

Its hard to be original though. I’ve tried so many times to be as original as I can be, but my imagination is my limitation. For some reason, or for a reason, I was able to be quite creative however in recent years, I was unable to be as creative as before. Mind, I am still creative and spontaneous at times while conversing (civility is my limitation) but in regards to creative writing, I tend to copy and paste styles and ideas and ways of expressing feelings from many renowned authors.

…tonight, I was actually trying to sleep. But obviously I can’t (hence this piece of junk-creation). I don’t know what is my feeling or thinking at the moment – I feel so tired, slightly sad but a bit of relief too. Tired because I am post call today; sad maybe because I’m leaving my fav ward and relief maybe because I hope and think I will not to this rotation again. I don’t REALLY hate medical but for some reason I find it tiring. Its worthy but really tiring. However, surprisingly, there’s number of people wish to see me again in medicine. Dr Juita for example, keep wishing me to finish up quickly and join medicine; while Dr Azlin despite teasing me about erasing her “problem lists”, she hoped I would join medicine once I’m ready. And Dr Azmin too. Oh God, he’s so gorgeous, I can eat him alive! Maybe because the fact that I am one of the most senior medical HO now, he keeps seeing me while he’s on the ward. And me, I’m ever so polite, I only smiled and say hello whenever I think its appropriate only. I don’t want to go overboard and get too involved with them if only I wanted to hurt them later (meaning, if I am not truly, not convinced that I’ll do medicine as my career, being too close can hurt the relationship as you’ll have the tendency to use them-rather than professionally be friend with them) I believe I have a very strong work ethics-thanks to Monash.

Surprisingly, despite verbally abusing medical department for quite sometime, most people will say I am conscientious and hardworking HO. The fact is, I am not. I’m just covering my big ass and tried to fulfil peoples’ expectation. I remembered by successive intern, Heath said, “Gosh, its so hard (being a Plastics intern)! You’re setting a high standard Rahimi!..” and when I asked Iqbal (another senior of medical HO) about what did he hear (if he heard anything) of people (medical) say of me…He just said, “Well, some mentioned that you’re workaholic…” haha…

I have warned my parents – I am a workaholic. Ever since I’ve started working full time (internship at RAH), no life aside from work. No work, no life. And honestly, I don’t have life outside work that time. I don’t drink, I don’t escape to movies or shopping mall often, I don’t keep close friends and I don’t have family that I need to return to every day. Nothing to excite me. But now, I have family to look forward to every weekend. I might have some friends-still, I don’t open up as usual, but I can try to coax them to do stuff together. I don’t enjoy doing my work anymore and clearly showing it but people still think I am workaholic? Its either me (I can’t switch off my work bit from my brain) or people just don’t used to see how “normal” people should work.

I (thought hehe…) I HAVE A STRONG WORK ETHICS…maybe that’s why. Ok, that’s it. Need to sleep.

No more me

So damn tired.

Just finished 21 days course/kursus - induction and Kewarganegaraan prior commencing work as a HO. Maybe to my friends outside Malaysia, it may seem odd to go for courses like this (a course to teach you how the government works, even sit for exam at the end of it-to make sure you’re confirmed in the service regardless your how long you want to stay in the government system and also a course to remind us the importance of being a true Malaysian)…

Anyway, what I want to say is this: Perhaps its time to move on and become an adult-no more just me, and my world.

Welcome to adulthood. Embrace the reality of what is happening around you. Maybe its not exactly "my world" but since its so close, I might as well know something about it. No more school days, no more fooling around. Its good to learn new things BUT not everything that is new, is better. And in this case, I would like to share a story-thanks K.Y. for sharing it with us and I hope everyone will learn from it…

There’s a small bird from a warmer area felt bored about what he had in his area. Tired and hating the warmer climate, he decided to journey north, seeking greener pastures and cooler air. After a long trip, the whether changed slowly, becoming cooler and milder. Feeling freshed, the small bird did not realised that its snowing and snows begins to fall and stick on his feathers. He became heavier and in the end, fell on the ground, topped with snow. Weak, cold and hopeless, thinking that he surely will die now, he saw a big strong buffalo came to his way.

"Why oh why its a buffalo? Its old and useless for me. He cant help me in this situation", cried the small bird. The buffalo said nothing. Instead, he urinated on him, angered the bird further. Not only that, the buffalo also discharged his poo on the poor bird-sending him cursing everywhere. After all this, the buffalo left and the bird now feeling even surer that he will die soon.

However, slowly the bird feels better and warmer. Finally he managed to shake all the snow off and take off. Because he was so happy, he forgets how he was "freed" and he just fly higher and higher. He even sings and sometimes dances on the earth.

Suddenly, there’s a kitten appeared out of nowhere. He’s attracted to the bird and was very much facinated with him. He slowly tried to play with the bird and the bird welcomes him. The bird was happy because he’s freed and get a new friend. They play along nicely; the kitten plays with the bird in his paws. Both were happy…for a while, until the bird suddenly snatched the bird and eats him…

Well, need to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. To report for duty.To start "serving the people". Think about that story…apply it to your daily life, situations surrounding your place and world. Open up, open your eyes and mind. Cast your memory back, further back and try to visualise the future.

What lies ahead is what you’re now.

Good night to everyone who’s lucky enough to have what they’re having now and good luck to whoever still looking for whatever that is.

euRo

Bangga Menjadi Umat Islam yang masih hidup diredhai Nya
Bangga Menjadi Anak Malaysia.
Bangga Mencuba Mencapai Perpaduan.

Does it matter?

I guess it does.

See, until now I can’t even tell people, I can’t justify my act of coming back to Malaysia to work…even worse:as a housemen. I can only tell my thinking process but I can’t justify my action:

Step 1: Feel miserable in Aussie at the start of my career year (intern). Missed home and family. Teary and stuff

Step 2: Constant appeal (direct and indirect) from both parents urging me to return. They gave no explanation but always have the assumption that I WANT to go home and work.

Step 3: Not able to make a lot of close friends. Only 2 dearest friends and you know who you are.

Step 4: Talk to the director and ask for opinion. Received necessary info.

Step 5: Afraid that I will miss out on things, I applied to 2 states for all available hospitals

Step 6: Got 2 offers from RAH and SH (MMC) Melbourne. Was in Malaysia when these offers appeared

Step 7: Rejected those offers and thought that I finally settled with the decision of going home and work

Step 7: Love Plastics very much, love my regs and staff and got to relieve an RMO for Burns for a month (and I love it too)

Step 8: Went home and feel miserable.

Step 9: Got offer letter from Ministry of Health to work as a housemen (mind you, for 2 years!) with salary of RM 2500 per month (that’s even less than what I normally billed/get as an intern for a fortnight!) and not to mention horrendous work load, procedures and paperworks and patients! NOW I FEEL MORE MISERABLE

Step 10: Go with the flow. Went for (and I’m still in) Induction course; learnt that to be a consultant will take me aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages! "Have to give way to your senior first" Damn hierarchy and bureaucracy.

Step 11: Flustered and don’t know why I chose this path. Don’t even know if I’m regretting it or something else.

There. That’s my thinking process. Apprehensive is one thing (not knowing of the unknown). Feeling foolish of people saying "oho…baiknyer (oho…you’re being nice)". Feeling vulnerable with naiveness in this material world.

I don’t know. As much as I want to be a good doctor, I’m afraid I might lose faith. And I don’t continue to work as a doctor, what would I be?

euRo

Last day at RAH

I am feeling sad.

Tomorrow is going to be my last day working as a medical officer at RAH, or even in Australia. I can’t believe I’ll feel this way. People looking and thinking and even verbalising/asking me if I’m excited going home. To be honest: no, not really. And it’s not like when I was offered an intern job in Adelaide either (when I was in Melbourne). I was anxious that time, sad to leave beloved Melbourne, place that hold so many memories. But not utterly, completely sad. This time is different. Like Victoria Beckham said in Ugly Betty, “This is major”.

I don’t hold as strong attachment to Burns unit as I am with Plastics. I feel comfortable there in Plastics. Ironically, I despised Plastics early on just as I came off Orthopaedic – thinking I’m more suitable in ortho. Looking back, I actually enjoyed both rotations really well; perhaps better than the others. But Burns is different. As much as I like to be independent, I love to have my reg talk to me often, teach me voluntarily and even trust me to let me assist and practice. I love JG; he’s excellent, very easy to get along with but he’s the big boss. And just like with every other big bosses, you’d have to show some respect and also self respect-if you know what I mean. I don’t like to show that I’m so ignorant and stupid; that I just take them for granted, for a walking medical…ooppss…walking surgical textbook. But I do expect my reg my will have this opinion of me and I don’t mind (if it’s a reg). Even though SL is great, I guess being a she and her current social situation doesn’t always allow her to teach voluntarily-she did try initially but she was cut off by JG when he said he already told me what biobrane is. I don’t know…I just don’t work quite well with female seniors. I can’t understand what other woman think as well as I am able to understand most men. Women are just complex. Women and work and power – disaster.

Anyway, I can’t sleep…like most nights now. I kept thinking about what to do, what will happen and how to deal with stuff…stuff that I don’t even know what it is yet. Put it this way, by this time I should know what career path I wanted to pursue. The fact that I don’t even know which medical/surgical branch I wanted to do is causing me a lot of trouble already. My plastics reg (from Malaysia) works at Penang, said to the Plastics team (this is what PS told me one evening when we’re wasting time on the ward even though both of us (and HT) have lots of things to do despite the clock ticking away and it’s already 1700)…ok, this is what he said, “H told us, I would like to recommend Rahimi to my boss when she goes home” I just laugh away at the prospect of being a Plastics Surgeon. Not that I’m not tempted, it’s just that as I said: I don’t know which way to go. And H even said that herself when she caught up with me in theatre.

I need to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day since we’re going to do the most onerous case. I even collapsed once when I was doing one of her many cases with JG and SL last week - which cause me great embarrassment. That was the 1st time that I collapse/faint/passed out. Hopefully it will be my last time too. If I keep collapsing while doing surgery, I can’t be a surgeon. It’s hazardous and nobody who’s in their right mind will employ me.

I just can’t shake this sadness.

I’m going to miss IH (its hard not to miss him even though he can be cranky sometime…how can I forget you, when you actually ring me on my mobile, to thank me personally for being your intern? Well not “your” intern, but Plastics intern…I was around and he could have just page me but because he can’t find me anywhere, he decided to ring me but I was being silly as ever, left my mobile at home and only return his call later at 2000-to hear him saying “yeah, I rang you before but that was a while ago!”…:p), I’m pretty sure I will miss CM too and my old Plastics team. And I’m missing CR and AB already – seeing them having fun doing ortho cases. And of course, the girls – LYL and SC; to whom I’m indebted forever for having such wonderful times and memories and let alone the support you guys gave me though out this year. Bitching about other people is always fun.

It’s sad but no tears come out.

Ok, need to strangle myself to sleep. Anxious to know the new Burns RMO.

euRo

p/s: am I making a mistake of going to Malaysia and leaving Australia for good? I can’t get over this…☹

BIG FRIDAY

All I want, all I want you to know…that I worked hard, worked really hard…or at least it’s hard enough.

It hurts sooo bad when you say all this things; saying how we must help our junior staff as if you don’t or can’t even tell that YOUR JUNIOR STAFF (that’s me, and me alone) has been on her feet most of her times and that she’s killing herself trying to do everybody’s bidding. It almost made me cry as if it’s my fault that I can’t cope, I can’t prioritise, I can’t finish in time, I can’t be a good junior staff.

Oh you don’t know how much I have sacrificed. I wonder when will you ask: what exactly you do in this unit? I tell you now how I spent my "working" hours:

1. Arrive early than registrars (except occasionally later by 1-2 mins compared to CM…usually arrived by 0715 if not 0700) to prepare the patients lists prior wardrounds
2. Check all blood, histopaths, M/C/S, imaging and plan ahead what I need to do, which patients I need to repeat bloods, who needs imaging, who needs infectious diseases consult, who need extra monitoring for the day, who needs consents, who needs discharge meds and letters, who needs to be known to the regs etc etc…all these I have to do within 10 minutes
3. Check who needs wound review and ring the ward to let them know to get ALL the dressing down
4. Complete tasks 1-3 before 0745. Sit and discuss and transfer information to other members of the team (i.e. regs, RMO, physio, OT) from 0745 or 0800 until approx 0815 or 0830
5. Start ward rounds. If able, present cases while juggling with drug charts, assisting in reviewing wounds, and try to chase post op notes. Occasionally need to upload imaging up on the computer for review by consultants or regs. Document in the head (or my piece of paper) of the plan for each patients: if discharged, when to return for OPD, d/c with Abx, plan on d/c physio, type of splints, Xray,GP to review wounds etc
6. Ward round continues to the outliers. Juggling to assist review wounds and review drug charts and write up notes and plans so that I don’t have to return to write in notes. If nurses don’t get the dressing down, will need to tell them and then need to remind the regs to review the wound again…and again…and just like in task 5, if discharged, need all the discharge workup…and OUTLIERS, they’re everywhere! from just Q5 or/and R5…went to ICU, east wings, ED…ED is not outliers, they are new consults and I have (or usually I voluntarily prefers to see them with the regs as I might learn something new…especially with IH…AND YOU’LL SEE LATER HOW I TRIED MY BEST to get time to learn things by myself when THIS IS HOW MY ACTUAL DAILY ROUTINE IS)
7. After this "ward rounds", get to the wards to discharge patients. Primarily the scripts first. If I can’t get it off the ward discharge cupboard (i.e. oxycodone or some "unusual" antibiotics such as ciprofloxacin, clindamycin) it needs to be faxed…AND I USUALLY TYPE, PRINT, SIGN AND FAX THEM MYSELF as I can’t trusts these nurses to do it because when it does not turn up on the ward, who will they blame? ME. "You havent fax it, pharmacy hasnt received it, who did you give the script to yada yada yada and in the end, you ended up doubling your work load and feeling more frustrated.
8. If there’s a (or any) particular patients that needs urgent attentions such as: SICK, MET CALL CRITERIA or anything that needs review or need to get someone to review them aside from my regs, then I need to review or sort them 1st before the discharged patients. Who needs urgent CT, who needs urgent bloods, who needs urgent medical review, who needs urgent anaesthetic review etc etc. This can take some times-review the case note throughly prior consulting people so that I can get what I want (or what my reg wants) and that includes SWEET TALKING TO CT BOOKING, PERSUADES PEOPLE TO SLOT THESE PARTICULAR PATIENTS FOR IMAGING, URGENT REVIEW, TAKE OVER CARE etc etc. Able to reason but at the same time need to be empathic enough so that they think you’re not mean and horrible person who just think you’re the most important person in this whole hospital thus everything must go your way…this is a difficult skills…even certain consultants can’t do it.
9. Then when all task done, go back to each patient whom I haven’t had a chance to write in the case note. And while doing so, reviewing which bed needs new drug charts, which ones need tapering off opioids, which ones need new ID approval for tigecycline, ciprofloxacin, tazocin, timentin etc etc etc
10. In between doing tasks 7-9, try to get what the regs ordered: get consents, get imaging, spoke or discuss with certain people this is what we think, what we plan, if you could get them to review or give input etc etc, organise patient for theatre-book them on ETBS (emergency theatre booking system), consented, contact the theatre coordinator, contact the duty anaethetist and ensure the patient is fasted already or if not, fast and blast the person who let the patients eat and drink; organise elective bookings and surgery, retrieved informations from other hospitals, convert information from other hospitals to our systems, book patients for special clinics/meetings
11. In between tasks 7-10, preadmission rings and urge to come and do pre admission ASAP as the morning session finish at 1200 and the afternoon session (and the whole clinic) close at 1700. Pre admission usually pretty easy but they often not consented. I I usually do 2 preadmission clinics: PLASTICS 058 and BURNS 056. And I found interesting cases in preadmission however I dont know those cases well hence I cant consent them. Lately, have a lot of day surgery (DSU) patients get converted to day of surgery (DOSA) patients which means, they required admission (and pre admission) and sometimes it requires extra work: book high dependency unit (HDU) bed, consult and liase with other teams/people (i.e. haematologist, cardiologist, CVIU, dialysis unit, endocrine etc) so that these people aware that there’s a patient of theirs coming in or potentially "disasterous" cases come in that requires their input
12. In between tasks 7-11, suddenly patients admitted straight from outpatients…this need ward admission, meds, treatment order, book for ETBS (and the whole booking and prepping them for theatre stuff). Or, if clinic’s well behave, then new admission from ED came up out of the blue…or readmission from ED
13. Sometimes, some idiot person make a consult with me. "Could you please review this patient for so and so". Sometimes, the outliers’s nurses have "troubles"…not sure dressing type etc etc….so, I have to tell them or actually see the patient itself (if it has not been reviewed during ward round)
14. Get a break, if I can but if I can’t then just bad luck.But I always try to go to compulsory intern teaching every wednesday 1230. Most of the times, for most days, I don’t get break. I can’t even go to toilet to pee.Well, I don’t even have fluid to be expelled out of the system
15. If I finally have time, sat down in the office try to complete discharge summaries left by previous interns or the ones that I can’t get in time
16. Tried very hard to go down to theatre and assist, if not observe and learn something
17. Tried very hard to ask and learn from keen regs (such as IH and RW) while on the run…IH was very nice and keen on teaching…we spent solid 5 minutes comprehensive and compact teaching on hands and it proves its value when Mr S did the spontaneous tute on hands examination that friday am, prior ward rounds as I was able to follow exactly what Mr S said and when he explain how he use or prefer certain way of repairing tendons or reconstructions, I can understand what he meant
18. Another thing, I attend EVERY SINGLE teaching provided by the unit as I quite like and fascinated by plastics and reconstructive surgery. Therefore, my "ward time" was limited (as I usually only able to start at 11 to do tasks 7-13)
19. Tried to have a quiet time of reading in the office or do some research if I have quiet afternoon. Mr YC and RW have seen me doing this.
20. Go home at 1700 if possible, if not, whenever that suits me…or my regs…or my patients. For example, tonight, I finished at 2130. Drive home, speeding like hell (80kmph or more in 50kmph zone)

That is my working hours. My non working hours continues…
21. Thaw and prepare dinner. Eat dinner and finish stuff (catch up on internet etc) by 2300. Sleep by 2400/0000.

NO OTHER LIFE FOR 5 DAYS IN A WEEK.

And how dare you think, how dare you think I dont work hard enough? I may not know a lot of stuff, but I worked hard. And the regs and RMO keep throwing stuffs at me; I don’t really mind to be honest but that’s because I knew, I KNEW they KNOW I worked hard enough that at the end of the day, I earned my rest. But how could you not know that I worked hard? It’s just so frustrating this morning when I heard your comment that you’re concerned and that everybody should help me out. I dont need sympathies, I don’t need huge help, I don’t need people to pamper me because I am not that kind of person and I don’t need to be praised so openly…

ALL I WANT IS THAT YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY KNOW THAT I WORKED HARD

I deserve to be treated just like the rest of the teams. In fact, if you notice, I DO BITS AND PIECES OF JOBS FROM ALL LEVEL…RMO, registrars, and even consultant’s bit especially when I have to speak, or consults to other consultants/physicians etc…Don’t say, "she looked like she doesn’t know much" but instead say, "is she learning much".

Mr JK, I don’t hate you but it frustrates me when you think I am a slacker. A loser.

I am not.

euRo

to IH and RW, thank you so much for showing your concern since the beginning. I am not lying when you guys asked, if I’m doing alright. I am ok. I am coping. Its just that I am not a whinger (because I don’t believe in whinging-it will not get you anywhere, instead it will only drain your energy more); I am independent and pretty much hate people think I am weak and need heaps of help. But I know my limitations and I KNOW WHEN TO SEEK HELP. So, don’t worry, I always seek help if I need.

AND TO ALL MY REGS (and RMO): I apologise if this morning was a bit too much for your cuppa. I never intended it to be like this. I hate seeing you guys overwork, and now having to worry about THE JUNIOR STAFF (me) and I apologise again and again for getting you guys in deep trouble-I don’t think Mr JK intended to scold you must just in case it was, I am truly sorry. I feel bad enough not knowing much; let alone having my regs being scolded for something that was not even your fault…

Sequel:
I tried to suppressed my sadness and push back my tears all day long today. Finally, I broke down in huge tears in my car, no windshield ever to wipe away my pouring tears and I continued sobbing in shower and while writing this. A is not at home, nobody to talk to. But perhaps its best this way. I will just fall asleep any minutes now…

Bila terasa rindu (dan lain2)

Bila terasa rindu…

Lagu ni untuk orang overseas ke? Hehe…
I’m missing someone…or something…or just plain scared (or feeling lost and lonely?) I sent off my sisters and brother today to their respective places, leaving me all alone in the car and at home for at least 5 more days before I left them for few months for Australia. I lost 5 years of growing up with them, making me feeling sad as I kept thinking that I still have that small brother who can still play with me whenever I feel bored; a small sister who was so fierce and I thought whoever can stand her ferocity must be mad and hideous and a sister who’s a close friend and can be bullied forever. Oh well, life goes on. But once I cried silently (surprise surprise) when we’re at atuk’s house; regardless how much I wish for things to stay the same, I felt scared thinking what happened when we all died and facing the One and Only? Will we ever meet again? Will we become a family? Somehow, while everybody’s busy and happy for raya the next day, I was quite preoccupied with these thoughts. Perhaps, I love my family so much, I feel scared if I can’t control things…such as this.

On a question of not so light either: “Bila nak balik ni?” “Aik, orang putih takde ke?” The first bit, “bila nak balik ni?”, truthfully, I don’t even know. I wanted to go home, but I feel scared and not ready. Having said that, I’m not prepared to stay either. So, the answer is, at least at this time, at this hour, on this day this blog is posted: I am not sure. I don’t know. And honestly, I don’t have super strong reason to go home yet at this time. Unless ada pulak tiba2 orang merisik…mati aku haha…(in your dreams). The second bit, “Aik, orang putih takde ke?”, haaaa this one is heaps easier to answer: NO. And maybe never will. Colleagues maybe, friends at the most. Life can be hard, you can’t be or its difficult to be friends with people who drinks and has ideas of entertainment that MUST include alcoholic drinks, music, party and dance. I do have friends from work, but not many. And most of them share the same attitude towards the above issues (that I have). But a friend of mine said, “ingatkan balik kerja Malaysia lagi senang dapat kawan, tapi diaorang pun ada cliques…”

God will help people who help themselves…so, kena usaha sendiri dan doa banyak2…cari ilham…

Oh yes, to M, N, J, NA, SI=thank you for this year raya. Truly appreciated. Even though very simple, but it was enough. Well, maybe not really enough but satisfactory. I can’t believed we spent almost 3 hours just sitting around my mom’s dining table and gossiping away. To NA, wish you all the best. When you finally settled down (and with someone), I wish you would remain the same so that you can laugh at me for being silly living my life as it is now. To J, how can I thank you enough? Jangan simpan dalam hati lama2…I’m afraid that you’ll have to eat your own words eventually (if you’re not quick enough and your mom still peppering you about it)

Bila terasa rindu…I am missing you guys even through I am here…clos(er)…in Malaysia (still)

euRo

Ramadhan: Love me for a reason

Alhamdulillah….its 19th day of Ramadhan already. Pejam celik pejam celik, its almost towards the end of the month. Contradicted to what people might say, I found Ramadhan this year is enjoyable. For the 1st time ever since I landed in Australia, I found "home" during Ramadhan in AK mosque. I love it so much. Perhaps I still have the feeling of "going to a mosque" during tarawikh etc and I found it slightly "disappointing" all this while when I was in Clayton. I don’t know why, House of God or praying places shouldn’t influences people’s intentions and ibadah but …oh well..

This is my 1st time fasting while working. Last year doesn’t count…I scooted early (I was doing Aged Care rotation at that time) whenever I can. This time fasting, working since 0645 until 2130 few times per week, regular hours 0700 till 1700 or 1800 but most of the time until 1900. Juggling iftar and tarawikh while attending to patients. And organising time and effort to pick up people to go together to mosque…I found it, ermmm how should I say it, I enjoy doing it so much. I found it amazing that Allah granted me all these things, alhamdulillah, to have time and to be able to share it with sooooo many people….perhaps most of you can’t appreciate it but when you’re working as a doctor, juggling time for things outside work is fairly difficult. And especially if you’re working crazy hours like in orthopaedic, where "take" days or "take assist/ward duties" are (if not every day) every other day or so. And weekends all by yourself. Friends around me (non medical) said, "apasal la akak asik kerja je?" and they found it weird if I’m not working or having a day off. Once when I was sick (last 2 weeks), I had to take a sick leave for 1.5 day, a friend was surprised to hear that I was not working, not because I was sick.

Having said all these, I am truly grateful to have a housemate that reciprocate and understands how life as a busy junior doctor can be. Well, she is a doctor too. But, although only a year older, she’s so much matured and dependable. And I am ever so glad when I returned after a busy take/day, there’s something I can eat without to think much about thawing and defrosting things. E, I know, if you read this you probably say, "I thought you’re well prepared; that you always think ahead and defrosting things even from the night before" but working life has made me not so well organise as yet when it comes to managing myself (he he he).

Yes, lots of reason to love Ramadhan this year, more than any other year before. Thankful to Allah Al-Mighty for giving me a chance to live and strive during this holy month again, for giving me lots and lots (bountiful) of goodness, for letting me experiencing and enjoying Ramadhan as a working person now, for having such great people around me (work wise and outside)…..for every single thing that happened to me during this month. Alhamdulillah…

On this note, just wanted to say to few people out there that might have some concern about me before: I am fine. It’s just the usual me. Whingeing. I am enjoying my life. Of course, one cannot have everything. Its just not possible. Unless everything is just few things, and you’re content with it. I have a great team in ortho. Love them all. LM, AM and RGR and the regs-CG, CR, AB, JA. Although unfortunately due to my own laziness and stupidity, I rarely go to theatre. Which is a shame, because I used to love theatre (I am still) but ortho as a student was a bad experience and I’m not sure what I’ll do in theatre if I went there. But, I love my team, I enjoy doing ortho (and has been offered (verbally) a reg job with strong recommendations by 2 of my fav regs provided I MUST get married and intending to have children- despite my lack of enthusiasm for actually becoming an orthopod). I know I am not as good if not better than doctors in Malaysia, but hey, I’m doing as best as I can and that is the most important thing that counts.

Selamat Meneruskan Ibadah Puasa to all. If I’m not seeing you again, halalkan makan minum, ampunkan segala salah dan silap. I apologise for all my misdemeanor and I pray to Allah may we be blessed with his rahmat and blessings. I know its early, but just in case: Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

euRo

p/s: I’ll be in KLIA insyaAllah next sunday, 7th Oct 2007, 2100 (msia time)
Oh, selamat berhari raya di Hull, I. Selamat beraya as a doctor F a.k.a Jojo in Ireland (my fav ortho intern will go to St Vincent next year-look out for him) and to all my married friends, selamat beraya bersama your other half.I’m pretty sure there’ll be no more perang-perang….tu zaman dulu2 jer…hehe

and, siapa2 ada kat Seremban, sila la datang rumah time2 raya ni…lama dah tak jumpa korang…